Semicolons Are Sexy

They are; they fucking are. Please accept from me this sweet, overflowing bouquet of audacious semicolons… (;;;;;;;;;) I would fuck the shit out of any girl who knew how to use a semicolon correctly. No; that’s not true. That’s too crass. I would make sweet gentle Antonio Banderas-style love to any girl who knew how to correctly use a semicolon; with quilted sheets, and flickering candles. I would get up in the middle of our passionate lovemaking to tenderly bring her glasses of water because she’d be thirsty from all our passionate lovemaking. That’s how strongly I feel about semicolons.

Oh, imaginary girl who also feels so strongly about semicolons! Dumb people say that we no longer need to use semicolons; but they are wrong. Critics say these negative things about semicolons; ”They are old-fashioned,” “They are middle-class,” “They are optional,” “They are mysteriously connected to pausing,” “They are dangerously addictive.” These people are fuckheads. Fuck all that noise, I say.

Oh, not for you. Not for you and me! Not for us, the phallic thrusting of the “em-dash.” Not for us, the excessive white space of the colon. No, for us, only the blank dot, symbolizing sexy nothingness and the sexy void; the blank dot and the luscious curve of the comma, which symbolizes ripeness, growth, and also sex, because most things symbolize sex.

Oh, one day; my purely hypothetical darling. One day, we will meet. And even if you happen not to be a girl, but perhaps a very epicene David-Bowie-ish sort of skinny dude; well, I’ve never swung that way before, but if we both love semicolons so much, probably it will be okay; but one day, we will meet. Possibly on the avenue; we will meet. We will spread our hands. We will know one another. “Hello,” we will say. “Hello; what next?” we will say. And we will know; we will know what is next to come.

-Semicolons are Sexy by Oliver Miller

  1. cosetteferaud reblogged this from isoflors
  2. ablueeyedangelinatrenchcoat reblogged this from isoflors
  3. strictlymonotonic reblogged this from isoflors
  4. isoflors reblogged this from neverfeedthesarcophagi
  5. dalek-in-tardis reblogged this from piperbillie
  6. piperbillie reblogged this from neverfeedthesarcophagi
  7. knittedfuin reblogged this from thymoss
  8. tinyballsoflight reblogged this from thorosofmyrhasmoved
  9. thrwaithiel reblogged this from millielove95
  10. cinderscoria reblogged this from millielove95
  11. millielove95 reblogged this from okayophelia
  12. sarahsmile753 reblogged this from haefir
  13. essaysandboys reblogged this from okayophelia
  14. mikelsens reblogged this from thorosofmyrhasmoved
  15. lydiamartinski reblogged this from thorosofmyrhasmoved
  16. yourreallifesuicideblond reblogged this from thorosofmyrhasmoved
  17. pulp-fact reblogged this from unsfzpxkable
  18. milkywaysquid reblogged this from unsfzpxkable and added:
    What makes them better, is if you stick an end bracket on the end. Like this ;) //
  19. intersomnious reblogged this from thorosofmyrhasmoved
  20. anicacruzer reblogged this from thorosofmyrhasmoved
  21. unsfzpxkable reblogged this from thorosofmyrhasmoved
  22. thorosofmyrhasmoved reblogged this from okayophelia
  23. queenundisputed reblogged this from neverfeedthesarcophagi
  24. drecche reblogged this from okayophelia
  25. beingacliche reblogged this from okayophelia
  26. soupytwists reblogged this from tatooinerain
  27. relicanth reblogged this from lauren-e-james
  28. godmaking reblogged this from okayophelia
  29. rideronapalehorse reblogged this from thymoss
  30. queenofshades reblogged this from okayophelia
  31. dragoncharming reblogged this from okayophelia
  32. abcdefghijoella reblogged this from spacemadchen
  33. noneedforbloodpressure reblogged this from 24shortcoloredpencils and added:
    Im DYING